Month: January 2020

Finding the Support You Need

On By itjustdawnedonmeagainIn Breaking Bad Habits, Challenges, Personal GrowthLeave a comment

Have you ever found yourself moving through life, certain aspects are getting harder, but you don’t really notice how much the challenges are rising around you until suddenly you are completely drowning in them?  

Im Lost Formula GIF - ImLost Formula Confused GIFsAs a freshman in high school, I started in the math class track that continued the trajectory I’d been on in middle school.  The problem: things moved a little faster than I could grasp in high school. I didn’t know where to begin in terms of asking for help, so I just didn’t.  I went through the motions: doing my homework, going to class, but quiz and test scores quickly indicated I was completely in over my head. My amazing, generous teacher spent hours after school helping me.  I grasped the concepts, but it soon became clear the pace of that course wasn’t ideal for me, so I changed tracks the following semester. I didn’t give up on the subject, but I needed to find a different avenue that supported my abilities better.

Fast forward to early adulthood and I found myself demanding help when struggles arose sometimes.  That, I painfully learned, can really push people away (as you may be well aware- but I had to learn the hard way).  In my current stage of life, I find it more helpful to try to identify what my goals/ideal situation, determine my needs, and brainstorm and seek creative solutions to achieving them.  I don’t demand something of one specific person, but I recognize my limitations and needs and reach out to find ways to address and support them with clear, kind, open communication to the best of my ability. 

My most recent example was this past fall. As I neared the birth of my (2nd) daughter and we were living in a new place with no family or close friends around, I knew we would need help and support around the birth.  So I reached out and was grateful to build new friendships nearby and also host several family members to visit back-to-back and be to care for our oldest (2 year old) daughter while I was in the hospital. We ended up feeling very supported, growing closer to loved ones and neighbors, and having wonderful visits both before and after the baby was born.

Are you comfortable asking for help?

Some of us have a hard time asking for help.  You may not want to be a burden on others. Do consider the weight your ask is on someone.  Again, this is why an ask, not a demand is important.  Perhaps you recognize you are struggling, but don’t know what would help.  How do you ask for help if you don’t know what you need?  

Asking for a specific help is not always the answer.  Often being honest and transparent with people close to us about our struggles brings the aide we need.  By opening up about challenges, even just hoping support is possible, we not only strengthen our connections with others, but in the process, the help we need has a way of showing up. 

What you are doing for those who support you?

 If you provide a compassionate sounding board and bring your skills and strengths to the relationship, you’re probably on a good track.  But if the answer is: not much, then maybe it’s time to find some ways to give back and show your appreciation.  

From foster moms to physicians, software engineers to stay at home dads, we all have struggles and successes.  Being honest with ourselves and others about these experiences can help us keep things in perspective. The types of friends we open up with will also make a huge difference in the quality of feedback and support they can provide.

Next time you find yourself a little off your A-game, consider asking yourself some of the questions below.  And while you are thinking about what you need, do something kind for someone else.  You’ll feel a little better.

Do you recognize when you need support? 

Do you let your close friends and family know when you are struggling with something? 

Is it difficult for you to let others in enough to know you could use their help?

Why?

Cleaning with Kids – a toolbox

On By itjustdawnedonmeagainIn Cleaning, Parenting2 Comments

A few years ago, a friend visiting told me my home felt like a “big hug.”  I thought a lot about that comment and my husband and I decided to make an ongoing effort to create a home environment that would feel like a “big hug” for all who entered.  Part of providing that is having the space relatively clean. Such upkeep has not always been my strong suite. In fact, as a kid, even young adult, my living space was anything but.  We’re talking cups caked in leftovers for months, a deep “carpet” of clothes…you get the idea. Gross.  

I was actually taught to clean though.  I still don’t claim to be any kind of house-keeping master (my sister gets that award), but as a researcher, teacher, and now parent, I have gathered some strategies that help.  As I recently watched my 2 year old daughter clear her place and wipe her table after a meal, my heart smiled and the thought occured to me…maybe I have a few tools that could help others in this arena.  Here is my toolbox for cleaning with kids:

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1. Everything has a place.  This may seem obvious, but I find messes creeping in when something new enters our home and we have yet to find it a set space.  Antidote for a hoarding: if you don’t have a place for it, let it go.  

2. One activity at a time.  Provide some limits so that when your child finishes playing with one toy or set of toys, s/he cleans up before heading to a new activity.  Okay, this is the ideal and who is so on top of their kid(s)’ activities that this can be upheld at all times? Work toward this goal though.  Allowing every toy in a room to be rolled out before you try to clean up tends to lead to you and your child feeling overwhelmed.

3. Offer 2 Choices: Do you want to put the chalk away or wipe down the board first?  Are you going to gather triangle or square magnetic tiles first?  Your child may propose a 3rd option and if you can live with it and that option moves things forward, I see no reason to object.  Limited choices simplifies and helps speed up the decision making process.

4. Make cleaning fun!  This can be a wonderful way to provide your child with positive attention by letting him know you are watching and appreciate his work.  Playful language like “put the blocks away quick as a wink!”, singing or listening to a clean up song (here’s our new favorite), or choosing encouraging language, especially to acknowledge when he does clean up (e.g. “Our floor looks so clean where you swept.  I appreciate your hard work.”)

5. Rotate toys.  Maybe look at them like a seasonal wardrobe- pull out and put away a toy or two each week.  When something isn’t getting much use, maybe lend it to a friend who you know would enjoy it.  Getting out toys that have been out of sight for a while tends to make them more interesting. This keeps things fresh, more intriguing and allows fewer items to be available for making a huge mess around the house.

6. Build cleaning into your routine. Have little tidying tasks that become habitual. Ex. Everyone clears their own dishes as they leave the table after each meal or make your bed as soon as you get up each morning, before leaving the room.

7. Include your child in cleaning when she shows interest. When your child expresses desire, find a way to let her help!  Research has shown it pays off to welcome little ones’ help cleaning.  They will learn to appreciate and be more willing to help later in life.  If they are shooed away at a young age, the motivation will be gone later in childhood when you want your child to clean. NPR produced a great story about this you can read about here. 

Finally…

 

8. Keep your eye on the prize.  There are always more tasks to be done, another floor to mop or dish to wash.  As you navigate the care of your space and family/work/health, keep a balance. Sometimes you can’t get sufficient sleep, all the dishes from dinner washed and read your child a bedtime story.  Even the perfect routine gets interrupted. Be flexible enough to choose one or two elements to relinquish on those nights. Dishes can wait until morning. A good night’s sleep and story usually can’t. 

 

There are tons of ways to get a house clean, but it takes the whole family to keep it clean.  You can often find cleaning tools for little bodies in the local grocery, book, department or even dollar store.  I also really like For Small Hands for their quality and variety for both indoor and yard care.  

Maybe you find housekeeping a breeze.  If so, I kowtow to you. But if not, hopefully you’ve just nabbed a skill or reminder to help make your life a little happier and easier.   I certainly know a clean space helps me feel more at ease. May you find a little more peace in your week ahead!

 

Book of the month: Escargot

On By itjustdawnedonmeagainIn Book Review, Children's Literature, Humor, Picture Book1 Comment

I love to share what brings me great joy and delight.  As an avid reader of picture books (it comes with the parenting territory), I occasionally find a great one I want to shout about from the rooftops.  So this year, I’m going to bring you a picture book review each month of something that I (as a parent, former Montessori preschool teacher and aspiring picture book author) truly recommend.  So here is my first review/recommendation for 2020.

As winter blues, cold and flu kick into high gear, a little way to combat these downers is a natural pick-me-up: laughter.  It is an antidote to stress and discomfort. Tastes in humor vary widely, so I can’t guarantee my recommendations will align with yours, but I have recently encountered what I consider to be an absolute gem in the picture book world.  

escargotEscargot (2017), written by Dashka Slater and illustrated by Sydney Hanson, makes adults laugh as much if not more than children.  And even if it doesn’t entice laughter, it will leave you speaking a little French  “Ooh la la”  and probably craving salad.

Written in the speak-to-the-audience style popularized by the Pigeon books by Mo Willems, Escargot is the story of a self-loving, carrot-loathing snail en route to enjoying a salad.  The audience/reader is invited to interact, from making fierce faces to answering Escargot’s handful of questions (is your favorite animal the earwig or wildebeest?).  This androgynous main character is engaging for girls and boys. Modeling healthy social skills such as good sportsmanship, self-confidence, interest in others and even some vulnerability, the reasons to love this book are vast.   For as masterfully as Slater’s writing is, Hanson’s illustrations are equally delightful. Her colorful renderings take the reader on a mouth-watering tour across a picnic table filled with olives, cheeses, and of course, salad. Making a snail lovable in text and picture is no small feat.

This book begs to be read with a French accent, the worse the accent, the more you will laugh at yourself or whoever is reading, so don’t be shy, give it your best effort.  Targeted for the 4-8 year old audience, my 2 year old daughter and 44 year old husband love this book; it truly speaks to all ages. It engages the older reader with its francophilial flare and absurdity, the young audience with opportunities to interact with the “beautiful’’ and charming Escargot.

Next time you are looking for a good bedtime story, need a gift for a young child, or just want a light-hearted escape from a dreary day, you need look no further than Escargot.

 

Where Do You Focus Your Sights?

On By itjustdawnedonmeagainIn Gratitude, Mindfulness, Perspective, Self-awareness, Terrorists1 Comment

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” 

Charles Dickens

Sometimes we have seasons of change, other times are more “things as usual.”  Just as life starts to settle, there often seems to be a wave that brings up an “opportunity for growth” as I like to call it, i.e. a challenge.   

The past few months have brought an interesting new wave of challenge into my life: terrorists- literally on my doorstep.  I have found it to be a teachable moment: I’m learning a lot about how to decide when and where I put my attention.  It has been a strange mix-up of my home being misidentified as the home of someone who has upset a host of terrorist groups.  They are trying to intimidate him by stalking and posting (online) suggestions of harming my family’s home (which they believe belongs to this disrupter).  

So what does one do when your home and family are threatened by terrorists?  Well, there are a lot of ways to go, but human nature is fight or flight.  My initial impulse is to sit in fear and self-pity.  What does that accomplish though?  I started to reflect on all the people who don’t just live in fear of intimidation but who live with frequent violence in their own homes, neighborhoods and towns.

I thought about people who are mistreated simply for the color of their skin.  Listening to recent stories of Jews being the targeted has made my heart ache for them with a newly heightened sense of empathy.  Then there are the millions of refugees and migrants who brave life-threatening journeys to escape extreme abuse and poverty.  

My current conclusion: overall, I have a really great life and a lot to feel grateful for.  Does the posed threat of my home burning down and losing my children sink in? Painfully so.  But then I remind myself: I still have healthy children, a loving marriage, a home, food and so much more to appreciate.  You never know how long things will last, so embrace them while you have them.

As you embark into the future, perhaps you’ll ask yourself with me:

What do I want to focus on: the light, the dark, or the whole picture?20191127_090456

And while I recommend taking a moment each day for a gratitude practice, if you are ever feeling sad, angry or fearful, that is an especially helpful time to take a few minutes to ponder:

What do I have to feel grateful for right now?